what is all of this worry for. i cause more pain in my mind than the life before me. i live in a made up suffering. there is no suffering. there is no bad day. i made the day bad. today was just today. today the sun came up and the sun went down. today happened. like every other day. except i made it a tumultuous roller coaster. a coaster i could not get off.
it is never ending until i fall unconscious. there are highs and there are lows. i am on the moon and the at the bottom of the ocean. all at the whim of my untamed mind. life did not do this. today was today. today was every other day. it was just a day. a day to live life. but i made it a story. i created narratives and expectations. i lived through several different tales today, all of them in my mind. not one came to pass.
for what life is in that? I’ve lived more in my head than anywhere else. I’ve lived in an imaginary story. maybe because actually living the story is not something i allow myself to do. i stay in imagination because it cannot let me down. nothing can hurt me if i do not let it. my imagination is vastly safer than anything outside. could that be the case? i am passive.
yet the water does not get warmer if i jump late.
so jump
life is waiting. waiting is suffocating.