it is a mirror.
life is a direct reflection of my own being. i cannot escape it. the thoughts i let run untamed create a world i do not want to live in. i do not want to live here.
all of my interactions, everything points back to something within myself. i fall and fly so fast from an invisible force. i have no reign over myself. i have lost myself to myself. my thoughts have created my misery. i created my own misery.
to look for things to confirm my experience. i am just trying to make sense of a very confusing world. my mind never stops trying to connect the dots. anything that seems to lead to certainty only brings more uncertainty. for my mind has just created the situation to confirm itself. we are all just trying to confirm ourselves. to find connections in a vast sea. for is it all arbitrary? we seek out only that which eases the state of our consciousness.
maybe the most peace comes from the uncertainty. comes from the unknown. comes from bearing the weight of existence itself.
i cannot trust my mind to make sense of these things.
i seek and seek, without end. my mind does not stop. i look to all corners of the globe in order to piece together the puzzle. something i can grasp. i have not been able to grasp anything thus far. it is too vast. my mind is too limited. maybe the first step is accepting i will never have a hold over life. never in my wildest dreams.
the only thing i have been able to do undeniably is fight with life. wrestle against the current.
does the joy come when i learn to dance with it? stay on current knowing it has destinations i could only ever dream of?
life doesn’t fight with life. my mind fights with life.
it is, with all of its power, trying to make sense of the unspeakable. for who sets out on such a venture? my mind does anything to find confirmation in what is happening. for what is happening is too much to bear without valid reason. do we need reason to step forward? could it be possible to walk forward with a blindfold and not fall?
maybe the only rationale i need to move forward is; life is always right.
and always will be. i cannot direct the current no matter how mighty my hands. for the wind is more powerful. to pit my hands against the wind? i am nothing. i am a drop in the ocean. the forces of nature have proven to be something i cannot stop. the force of life will keep its path. and no matter what my mind thinks, i will never understand it’s direction.
to learn to dance with it. that may be the only sane way forward.
for i have lost my mind in opposition.